The Kick Ass Blog

Where Do You Start? Where Do I Start?

The title…that’s what really fucks a lot of us up, isn’t it? I know it does for me.

I have plans – BIG plans – but I seem to always get throttled because I don’t know where to start. God, it’s frustrating too, when you’ve got so many ideas and so much goodness inside you that feels like it can’t come out.

So for today, for right now, I’m starting right here. Come with me? Because I’d LOVE it if you were with me on this journey.

I can’t go back, but I can learn from what’s gone wrong…and what’s gone right. YOU can too. Believe it.

So while I could worry about where to begin – and honestly, I am an A-#1, World-Class Worrier of the Highest Order – for today, for this moment, I will start from right here, and not worry if you don’t know the whole story or you don’t know the how’s and why’s and what’s and where’s. Because you’ll get there, and so will I.

And then I’m going to move forward. That is the only direction that makes sense, right?

TODAY is a great day to start the rest of my life.

TODAY is a great day to start the rest of YOUR life.

We can’t waste it, you guys. I can’t speak for you, but I’ve wasted far too much by not being able to get out of my own fucking way. No more of that! No more.

wings

Slapped with a Cold, Dead, Lake Superior Whitefish. And I Liked It.

So this happened.

The past couple of days have been like some kind of carnival ride that you thought you really wanted to go on, but then when you get on it, you realize you’re going to puke. Kind of like that, without the puking, but with an epiphany. I alluded to said epiphany on FB.

revelation

I guess, probably pretty often, you think the problem is ONE thing, only to realize that the problem is a bunch of OTHER things. Fuck. But not really fuck. Because this is a thing (namely, me) that I can change. Because now I KNOW. No wondering anymore. No thinking I’m missing something (I was).

The problem lies in me. As does the answer.

Avoidance, I Am Your Queen

There are a lot of things that I don’t want to do. Learning new skills or habits is one of them. I want to be instantly good at whatever I try to do. This has prevented me from learning to do many things I’d love to learn to do.

Learn acoustic guitar.

Learn to draw.

Meditate.

Journal.

BUT today I journaled, even though the entire time I was saying to myself, “this is so stupid – I already KNOW all of this!” LOL

More good days to come. And more bad days. I’m okay with that. Yesterday and the day before were good days. Today, not so much.

But I did open up a notebook yesterday and write four paragraphs.

Any forward momentum is good momentum.

And this post didn’t end up nearly as I’d intended when I started it. There ya go.

A Brighter Day

Day three of my upped dosage, and as is typical for me, I am feeling the effects already. My brain is clearer (though not my head, as I’m dealing with a hum-dinger of a summer cold), and I am more at peace. That’s probably half due to meds, and half due to the fundraiser, which is right now at $1600. That means I can pay a car payment, as well as the rent for next month, at least, and that is just so awesome. So awesome to have that enormous weight taken off me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Someone I didn’t know before yesterday is doing something pretty amazing for me. His name is Gary King, and he’s an IMer. He is putting together a multi-product offer, and he’s taking donations of products to add to it. When he launches it, for me, it will be a 50/50 split for the affiliate. His post about that is here: https://www.facebook.com/LisaGergets/posts/10203448833454015. If you have a product to donate, or a list to send to, please contact Gary. Here is his Facebook profile URL: https://www.facebook.com/gary.king.733076 or his email at gking@ultimateoffline.com. Just is so crazy to see people I don’t even know doing things to better my life for nothing in return. I do this for others…but for some reason, it never occurred to me that I was worth that also.

I’m going to try to get down to the Lake today. Looking at rocks is just about the easiest way to stop thinking about everything. It’s very zen for me, and I love doing it – it makes me really happy.

I’m also going to make myself interact more on FB. Seclusion is a slippery slope, and I don’t want to go there.

 

 

The Feels

Damn. Woke up this morning feeling slightly better. Today is my second day at adding the 37.5 mg to my 75 mg dosage.

Then the waterworks started again when I looked at my email and realized that I had over $1000 raised for my Depression Comeback fundraiser. Much of that is due to one very awesome Mr. Tim Castleman, who playfully called a bunch of shared colleagues out on FB. So, heartfelt thanks to you, my friend. He’s also matching donations up to $1000…because of him and friends, I’ll be able to get the auto finance company off my back, as well as pay July’s rent early. What an amazing blessing that will be. It will free up my mind and my energy to work on myself.

And thank you to Dr. Ben, Rachel, Don, Chris, Brad, Tega, Steven, Joey, Craig, Jay, Ben, Frank, Shan and all the anonymous’s…

I am nearly halfway to my goal. My mind is just blown. And I figured out why I’m crying.

I can’t believe people would do this for me. Not for ME.

Every donation that comes in, it just rubs somewhere inside me very raw. Doing a crowdsourcing was a last resort. I didn’t actually think it would work. And it hurts, physically hurts, getting these donations and the words of support. It hurts somewhere very deep inside me to hear that people care, and to hear that people think I am worthwhile. I don’t know why.

I do know that this is going to be a long road. Changes are not going to happen overnight, and I’ll have good days and bad days. I had great intentions of working yesterday, and I neither took the walk I had intended on talking nor did I do the videos that are owed my customers. Instead, I slept. Maybe today.

I am doing alot of emotional eating (I just single-handedly downed a quart of rice pudding), and my eating and lack of exercise is, of course, exacerbating these horrible depression symptoms, so I am putting everyone on notice that I intend to do better with both my diet and exercising.

We’re also re-thinking living on the north shore of Lake Superior. We haven’t seen the sun in 5 days because of the fog. And I NEED the sun. I need a bit of summer before winter sets in again. Still, we have a year on our lease, so we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

More updates to come.

Thank you for all sticking with me.

 

Great Expectations

I expected, after last night’s post on FB and all the support I received, to wake up today feeling so much better. Like the world is made of unicorns and sparklefarts.

Instead, I feel worse. Despondent, can’t stop crying. And still dealing with this bitch of a cold, so the crying thing is making my head hurt. Worse.

I have it in my head I will get out and take a walk today. That, and finish up these videos for my new course that I owe my customers.

Sigh. Wish me luck.

ETA: Wow, I am just freaking amazed at the support and kind sentiments I’ve received from people online. Lots have asked what they can do to help, so I did some thinking…and I came up with the idea that if I can take a month just to work on me, and get my med dosage figured out, I can beat this. But financially, we’re living on fumes right now…so I came up with the idea to crowdsource for the funds I need to get out of the red (well, the most immediate red, anyways…there’s a LOT of red). If I can do that, it’ll take the financial burden off and I can work on me. I did this: https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/z5y4/lisa-gergets-depression-come-back.

Rock Bottom

The weight of this is killing me.

I’m not sure exactly when it started – early in the year last year. Or maybe before that, even.

In 2011, I wanted to go off antidepressants. I needed to see if I could be without them. I was on a very high therapeutic dosage of my antidepressant, but I weaned myself down. I went off them completely, and it wasn’t pretty.

I’ve been through therapy. This is different. This is chemical. I was rageful, hateful, verbally abusive, I wanted to hurt my kids and myself. It wasn’t normal for anyone, let alone me. I am a positive person. I live for my kids. This wasn’t me.

Last February, I visited a doctor and started antidepressants again on a low dosage. I felt so damn much better.

Still, things weren’t “the same”. Everything was still a struggle, and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Each new product I created, each new launch was like trying to come out of quicksand. The harder I struggled, the deeper I got stuck.

But *comparatively*, I felt better than I had – no more rage, no more crazy thoughts – that I didn’t see it.

I didn’t see it for a fucking YEAR. And I’ve been drowning and thrashing around and blaming myself and hating myself for a fucking YEAR.

In the past year, we have struggled, and I have blamed myself. I have hated myself for not doing. I have hated myself for not being ABLE to follow what I teach so well to others. All my technniques – I couldn’t DO them.

List of Three.

The Pattern Interrupt.

Inaction Addiction Intervention.

I taught these things. I teach these things. Others use them brilliantly. I could not do them.

And I couldn’t see that I couldn’t do them, only that I didn’t. And the resentment built up as we struggled to stay afloat. The hatred built up as I saw my family suffer and struggle. Days I didn’t know where dinner would come from. Borrowing money to make our car payment. On and on. Struggling like I have never struggled since going full time in IM in 2010.

And the hate and blame and resentment of myself just brewed.

WHY can’t I do this?

WHAT am I doing wrong?

I did it before, WHY can’t I get it right again?

It’s going to be like this forever. We are always going to struggle like this because I don’t know how to do this anymore. I am lost. Completely and utterly lost.

How can you see your family struggle, see the bank balance dwindle and that not spur you into immediate action?

To have to tell your kids “no we can’t afford it” and still do nothing. NOTHING. Even though it is tearing you apart to say it.

And the hate. Jesus, the hate. Looking in the mirror at that fucking loser cunt bitch who can’t get her fucking life together to save her soul. To save her FAMILY.

A week ago I was thinking about it, trying yet again to place a reason on this rather than believe it was all me that was to blame. Because I can’t be that bad, can I? Please don’t let me be that bad. I’d say it to myself. I don’t want to be a loser.

I thought about the antidepressant I am on, and the low dosage. The doctor wanted to revisit after 4 weeks to re-evaluate and adjust the dosage if necessary, but I never went back. Because, see, *comparatively* I was feeling good. It didn’t occur to me that it could be better.

But my brain – it’s chemically fucked up. Lab workups prove it. And for over a fucking year I have been living in this hell of a world where I can’t work and I can’t DO anything about it. Acting like everything is great, for the sake of whatever income I COULD make, and for the sake of my students, who need me to pull their heads out of their asses and give them truth.

Over a year of watching my family suffer because I COULDN’T MAKE IT WORK.

And a week ago, it occurred to me that I never went back to the doctor to adjust the dosage of the antidepressant I’m on. Maybe I just need a higher dosage.

And then I look at my symptoms and they are all textbook symptoms of clinical depression. But I didn’t see it. I’m an advocate for depressives, and I couldn’t see it.

When I realized all this shit, my brain just…it was so clear and so obvious that my brain just wanted to reject it.

It can’t possibly be that simple, right?

We’re going to find out. I’m upping the dosage, and I don’t know if that will solve this hell, but even if it doesn’t, mark my words…I WILL be back on top again. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But I can’t stay down here. I can’t pull my family down.

It’s time. I’M GOING TO DO THIS.

What’s Your Excuse Again?

 

It’s no secret I’m strong. I’ve been through some shit.

I’ve been evicted. I’ve filed bankruptcy. I’ve been in abusive relationships. I’ve been raped. I’ve had a vehicle repossessed. My mother was abusive. My father was only around on weekends. I’ve been spit on, bullied, pushed around. I deal with depression nearly every day. Yet…YET… [Read More…]

Stop It. NAO!

STOP!

IMG_0982

You need to get up and go outside. Too often, when we go for a walk, we think we’re doing good stuff for our insides, mentally and physically. But, we often just look down, letting our worries and burdens fill our mind. So I want you to do this the next time you go for a walk: [Read More…]

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